letters: a series, part iv

dear ice cream,

i hate you. i love you, but i hate what you do to me. yes, josh warned me you would make me sick. but after this awful week of being quarantined, i wanted you. badly. so i ate you. then i woke up at 5:30am and had a 3 hour stomach ache. tmi? oh well.

rudely yours,
upset stomach


dear neighbors,

hopefully you dont read my blog. please stop vacuuming or sanding or WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING!!!! it's like that one time when you vacuumed 3 days straight. no joke. thats not consididate...not consididate at ALL! shoot!

sincerely,
my inner tracy


dear juji,

thanks for cleaning the whole apartment yesterday so our friends could come over last night without the risk of getting sick. also, thanks for just telling me, "umm...you havent done your hair all week." appreciate that reminder...

love ya,
your hott bed-headed wifey


dear sickness,

its been a fun week getting to know eachother. just lovely. hope you liked all that gatorade and cough drops and dayquil. i got it on sale. you're welcome.

i'll be kicking you to the curb soon enough.

peace,
my aching body

letters: a series

dear coworker,

it was not very nice to call myself and our other coworker "white trash" because we coupon. if anything, i would use words such as "smart," "thrifty," "inspiring," etc.. white trash would be appropriate if i did white trash things, which i usually do not, as far as im aware. you are very rude and might want to look in the mirror before you go around calling other people dub-t.

sincerely,
your best crew member


dearest sarah,

please invite me to come see your baby.

thanks,
your favorite


to whom it may concern:

i did not get all my newspapers last week and i better get all of them tomorrow, so i can do said-white-trash-things via couponing. otherwise i would like extra coupons and a cash refund.

un-confrontationally,
your awaiting customer


dear universe,

please stop having people ask when we are going to have children. what if i was sterile? how rude!? really, i just want to get my life together and have a real job and stuff before all that having kids nonsense commences.

with respect,
just another married mormon


dear jay-z,

please stop being so cute and get off my lap so i can go print coupons...

love,
your endearing caretaker

letters, a series, part iii

dear comcast digital cable,

thank you comcast for having on demand so i can do abs of steel. oh, except for when you arent working. like right now. i NEED abs of steel comcast, is that terribly hard to understand?

thanks, your frustrated [and flabby] customer

~

dear nestle treasures,

why do you have to be on sale at smiths every time i go? you are so delicious that i can't pass you by. your caramel center melts in my mouth and i have to eat at least 5 of you in a row. i usually blame purchasing you on how "i need to keep my candy dish full for when friends come over" which is really a lie because i just sit on the couch and eat you non stop. you and comcast should team up and the whole world will be obese (not just the majority of the US).

much love, your #1 consumer

~

dear forest service,

thanks for not giving departments enough money for new equipment. my waders leaked today and my pants got all wet. luckily it wasnt a huge hole and i didnt drown, but it was not fun. when you are standing in a river that is 2 feet deep and your waders are leaking and the water is freezing- it is not very enjoyable. luckily for you i didnt get hypothermia, because im sure i could figure out some sort of lawsuit for that...

sincerely, your lowly hydro crew employee

~

dear joshua,

thanks for always loving me ♥ and eating whatever food i make (even if it isnt good) and for telling me im cute when i cry. when you tell me im pretty first thing in the morning, i know its true love. please tell your sister im sorry for being sappy on my blog. [dont throw up sarah!]

love love love, your sexy wife
(ok, not sexy, but i can pretend, right? haha)

letters, a series; part ii

dear boy in my class,
thanks for asking me what my natural hair color is and reminding me i need to dye my roots. and then asking if you hurt my feelings afterwards. no, you didnt hurt my feelings. yes, i will go get my hair done soon thanks.
sincerely,
your roots-showing classmate


dear ulcer,
please go away already. you make me feel disgusting and not want to get up in the mornings. you make it hard for me to wake up and go to school and work. somehow you are getting worse again. i do not appreciate it.
thanks,
your #1 enemy


dear jeff and darci,
thank you thank you thank you for introducing us to noodles & co. we love it. and we might have eaten there tonight....and i might have their number saved in my phone....
yours truly,
your bffs


dear versace leather jacket,
i think i love you more than a person should love a material object.. which i realized when i walked to my lab this afternoon, feelin' fly. you are getting a little small on me though, and i think i could make quite a bit of money off of you. which is why {tear} i am considering selling you... i think i should sleep on it, maybe wearing you....{sniff sniff}
love,
your perfect fit

letters, a series:

dear utah,
thank you for warming up a bit so the snow/ice could melt a little. please dont snow again soon.
love,
jess


dear fate,
thanks for not letting anyone walk up to school at the same time as me so i wouldnt feel self conscious as i walked up the stairs and was breathing [very] heavily.
i appreciate it,
jess


dear academic advisor,
thank you for letting me withdraw from my dreaded ornithology class and let me take any other major-related class i want in its place. i will be taking riparian analysis. and also thanks for letting me also substitute my mammalogy class in advance. i was dreading that one too.
many thanks,
jess


dear plant,
i dont know which one of you it was, but i do not like having my finger balloon up into one giant hive at work. it is puffy and bright red, and itchy/irritating. i will find you and you will get it!
sincerely,
your worst nightmare