Sunday, April 10, 2011

lessons learned

i feel like i need to maybe share a little bit about what i've learned since dealing w/infertility. yes, we have only been trying (and failing) for a little over a year and a half. and there are people out there who can literally NEVER have children. and we might be able to. so maybe in their eyes i'm not really one to talk. however, i feel like the same principles apply. and if i feel this way about stuff, then there might be other people who do too.

1. i know i've said this before, but dont ask people why they dont have kids yet. it doesn't matter if you are joking or think you're just being friendly... SOCIAL FAUX PAS PEOPLE! dont do it! unless you are bff with someone, and are prepared to possibly have an awkward or blubbering situation on your hands.

2. it SUCKS to hear someone constantly complain about their pregnancy or baby. i mean, thats annoying in general... but its more hurtful when you cant have kids. i am positive it is very hard to have a baby, and i admire those who do. but you dont know what people would give to have a baby, or put up with all the hard nights of crying. it would be welcomed.

3. if you know someone who is dealing with infertility, just be sensitive when you have news. i am genuinely happy for my friends who are pregnant or have children, but sometimes it can be hard to deal with at first. sometimes it doesnt even phase me, but other times i'm a little bit more emotional about baby things. so just try and be sensitive is all...

4. its annoying when you ask people, "well why dont you just adopt?" adoption can take years, and thousands of dollars. and to be honest, i want the experience of being pregnant! i want to feel a baby growing inside of me, feel a baby kick, have that special bond, take cute pictures of me getting bigger every week, etc. now thats not to say we are opposed to adopting, because we would like to one day. but if we're going to spend that much money, why not try to get pregnant first? everyone has their own view on this, but making an assumption about it is rude.

5. its also annoying when you tell someone "oh, well you're still young..." yes, people...i am only 24. who cares how old i am? dont judge me, it still sucks! and it would suck at any age! i do believe that everything happens for a reason, and i have been enjoying the extra freedom that josh and i have without kids. but please dont tell me that i'm still young. what does that even mean? i'm still young, so it doesnt matter?! it feels like a slap in the face.

basically... it all boils down to being considerate, and not making assumptions. granted, i am an emotional person, so these may not be applicable to everyone dealing with this. but my eyes have definitely been opened during this experience, so i wanted to share some of what i have learned. thanks for reading.

[[disclaimer: i feel like i have cycles of sadness, where i will be totally fine for a couple months, and then i'll just have a meltdown. today? meltdown mode... so this post could be more emotional than maybe i would be another time. and maybe later i'll feel like taking it down. but for right now, this is how i feel, and i think a lot of people don't realize how their words/actions could affect other people (and this applies to more than just infertility). i didnt fully realize myself, and still have a lot of room for improvement.]]


Darci said...

I am really glad you have the courage to share this with people. You shouldn't take it down. It's the truth. I know that because of your experience with infertility I am much more aware of what I say, do, complain about, etc. I know how hard it is because of you opening up about it and it helps me become more aware and more considerate. I love you. You are awesome. And you are going to be an awesome and amazing mom one day, no matter how it happens. And I promise to give your baby Dr. Pepper. And be your child's favorite aunt.

sara said...

people should think before the speak! [hug] i'm not exactly in your situation (we haven't started trying yet b/c of health insurance and other reasons, and at 31 i'm not so young. ) but I'm not kidding you I know 12 people who are pregnant right now and they along with others are always asking when we're going to have kids. sigh. hang in there girl!

Lisa said...

Don't take this down. This is exactly how I felt too. When we told people we had been married for almost 3 years and we didn't have any kids we got "the look". And I got the "your still young" when I told me people I had had 3 miscarriages all the time. It's true, I don't care that "I'm still young" it still hurts. Because of this, I made it a goal to not complain while I was pregnant (and I didn't as far as I am aware) and not to complain about Eliana, but just be thankful that she is here. Those who have never gone through infertility (or are close with someone who has) have no idea how frequently judgmental things are said or looks given and sadly I experienced it the most at church.

My mother-in-law sent me a mothers day present a couple years ago and wrote this in the card. "Before Adam had moved on he named his wife 'Eve'-the mother of all living. They were both still in the garden and were yet to have children. In that same spirit, I wish to honor the mother you are inside." It touched me and encouraged me, I hope it does the same for you. I often read it on my meltdown days.

rubi said...

i'm so sorry you have to deal with this and you have every right to react this way to people being inconsiderate to your situation. don't feel like you need to take this down later.

Ashley said...

I hate all personal questions from people I don't know or are just acquainted with. I get asked all the time about kids and why I don't have them or if I am married or how old I am. Everyone has their own timeline, not everyone's life falls into place right out of high school, let me live my life my way. I don't understand why some people seem to have no sense of boundaries when it comes to this sort of thing. I would never ask anyone these sorts of questions!

You know what is best for you, your life, your situation. No one can give advice on something so personal!

Hope you get out of your funk soon :)

Anonymous said...

I think infertility is one of the hardest things I've ever been through! Our problems were different than yours, and we were finally able to have a baby after almost three years, which, like you said, compared to a lot of people is hardly a problem at all. The waiting and unknown was so hard though. I know that I always felt sorry for myself, but the truth is that infertility rates are about 15%--which means three out of twenty couples. There are probably other people that you know going through what you are going through. That doesn't make your struggle any less, and each situation is individual, but don't let yourself think that you're alone. Even now we're a happy couple with a happy baby, but that doesn't mean that we haven't shared your pain in our past. If I could go back and give myself some advice when we were going through it, I would shake myself and tell me to stop thinking that I was the only one. But I wish we could all start a campaign against "when are you going to have a baby" comments. They hurt. They aren't anyone's business. And people are so dumb!

kelli g. { bug miscellany } said...

oh dear one, i couldn't agree with everything you've written more.
i'm in a different situation, but all of this totally applies, especially when it's someone who knows what's going on who says something thoughtless. "oh you're sick? you're not knocked up are you?" is reeaally not a funny joke, people. really. not.
i totally get the 'cycles' thing too. it's like everything's cool for a good long stretch, and then blam. it's all effed.
you're a brave lady for pouring it out. i admire you. *hugs!*

Krysten @ After 'I Do' said...

I wish I could give you a hug. Thank you so much for sharing this... I imagine someone is going to stumble upon it that's going through the same thing and will realize that they aren't alone.

And whoever tells you you're young so not to worry is ridiculous. They obviously don't know.