like they say, "life ain't fair"

well, i have some news to deliver..

so let's back up a bit... josh and i have been trying to have a baby for about a year now. i thought it would be a breeze, we'd get pregnant within the first few months, i'd get really fat, and then pop out a baby. we weren't really telling anyone we were trying, because we wanted to wait until we were actually 12+ weeks pregnant to be able to tell everyone the happy news. which never happened. i've probably taken at least 20 pregnancy tests within the past year, hoping to see those two stupid lines on the test. every time there would be one.

we did everything we could think of to help it be a success. tracked days, took ovulation tests, recorded my basal temperature...etc. there was even a time there where i missed a cycle and was convinced i was pregnant. so convinced that i went to the doctor to get a blood test. of course, it was negative. and of course, i cried. i have cried so many times in this past year about not being pregnant, it's almost pathetic. people would tell me they were pregnant and i would say "yay i'm so excited for you! excuse me, i have to use the restroom..." and then i'd run away to hide my watering eyes. obviously i really am excited for them all, it just kind of sucks at the same time.

fast forward a bit. a couple weeks ago i finally went to the doctor to talk about my "infertility". i got tested, josh got tested, and it was assumed i would start clomid my next cycle. my tests all came back normal, which was good. well... yesterday we finally got josh's results. i won't go into all the details, but the big factor was the kruger score. they like it to be 15% or more (to get pregnant normally), although we have read some recent articles that say 4% or more is now considered "normal". anyways, josh's score was 0%. what that means is we can't get pregnant unless we do in-vitro fertilization. this costs 10-15 thousand dollars, and has varying success rates (it may take a few cycles, etc).

of course this news crushed us. we don't have that kind of money. we felt pretty sorry for ourselves for a little bit, but we're trying to have perspective. moping won't help at all, and at this point there isn't anything we can do to change it. we do feel extremely blessed that we have the opportunity to ultimately get pregnant at all. we know a lot worse things happen to people, so we are really trying to be positive. i am not writing this to get pity. please don't take it that way. there are just a lot of people to fill in about it, and in my selfish ways i'd rather not repeat it multiple times to different people.

this next week is our first appointment at a fertility clinic. we're going to talk about any other options (like taking special vitamins to see if it would help the kruger score, which is a long shot but allegedly it's possible), and where we'll go from here. we're going to look into scholarships and such to see if we could get any financial help to try and do the in-vitro.

while all of this really sucks, i know that someday josh and i will have a baby. whether that's by in-vitro, adoption, or some kind of miracle i don't know. it will probably be a really expensive little chillun, so as josh says, "it better come out walking and talking and have some crazy talent so it can pay itself off" haha. of course we are dealing with this by using humor. on that note, does anyone have a black baby lying around that we could have? either that or we'll take the cash equivalency. that would be great, thanks. haha ♥