Wednesday, September 8, 2010

like they say, "life ain't fair"

well, i have some news to deliver..

so let's back up a bit... josh and i have been trying to have a baby for about a year now. i thought it would be a breeze, we'd get pregnant within the first few months, i'd get really fat, and then pop out a baby. we weren't really telling anyone we were trying, because we wanted to wait until we were actually 12+ weeks pregnant to be able to tell everyone the happy news. which never happened. i've probably taken at least 20 pregnancy tests within the past year, hoping to see those two stupid lines on the test. every time there would be one.

we did everything we could think of to help it be a success. tracked days, took ovulation tests, recorded my basal temperature...etc. there was even a time there where i missed a cycle and was convinced i was pregnant. so convinced that i went to the doctor to get a blood test. of course, it was negative. and of course, i cried. i have cried so many times in this past year about not being pregnant, it's almost pathetic. people would tell me they were pregnant and i would say "yay i'm so excited for you! excuse me, i have to use the restroom..." and then i'd run away to hide my watering eyes. obviously i really am excited for them all, it just kind of sucks at the same time.

fast forward a bit. a couple weeks ago i finally went to the doctor to talk about my "infertility". i got tested, josh got tested, and it was assumed i would start clomid my next cycle. my tests all came back normal, which was good. well... yesterday we finally got josh's results. i won't go into all the details, but the big factor was the kruger score. they like it to be 15% or more (to get pregnant normally), although we have read some recent articles that say 4% or more is now considered "normal". anyways, josh's score was 0%. what that means is we can't get pregnant unless we do in-vitro fertilization. this costs 10-15 thousand dollars, and has varying success rates (it may take a few cycles, etc).

of course this news crushed us. we don't have that kind of money. we felt pretty sorry for ourselves for a little bit, but we're trying to have perspective. moping won't help at all, and at this point there isn't anything we can do to change it. we do feel extremely blessed that we have the opportunity to ultimately get pregnant at all. we know a lot worse things happen to people, so we are really trying to be positive. i am not writing this to get pity. please don't take it that way. there are just a lot of people to fill in about it, and in my selfish ways i'd rather not repeat it multiple times to different people.

this next week is our first appointment at a fertility clinic. we're going to talk about any other options (like taking special vitamins to see if it would help the kruger score, which is a long shot but allegedly it's possible), and where we'll go from here. we're going to look into scholarships and such to see if we could get any financial help to try and do the in-vitro.

while all of this really sucks, i know that someday josh and i will have a baby. whether that's by in-vitro, adoption, or some kind of miracle i don't know. it will probably be a really expensive little chillun, so as josh says, "it better come out walking and talking and have some crazy talent so it can pay itself off" haha. of course we are dealing with this by using humor. on that note, does anyone have a black baby lying around that we could have? either that or we'll take the cash equivalency. that would be great, thanks. haha ♥

23 comments:

Darci said...

I love you 2 and until that little baby comes along, you can borrow Miss Mona whenever you want...as long as Josh doesn't give her Dr. Pepper.

b. said...

you are tough and brave and strong. i cannot imagine how it would feel to be in this situation, but i admire you for taking it on, that is one of the bravest things ever! i really do hope that it all works out, what is meant to happen will never pass you by.

x.

Laura said...

Stay strong girl. You have such a great attitude about this and just keep moving forward. I really think that things will work out in a positive way when you stay focused on moving forward and not just getting upset and depressed about the situation (not that you don't totally deserve some pity party days sprinkled in there somewhere).

Crys Kaestner said...

Keep the positive attitude. It's a great way to look at things. You are loved!

The Blairs said...

You know we love you both and will help out however we can. This definitely sucks! I know you both will make it work and I know you will have the beautiful family that you want.

"Miss" Paige said...

praying for $$$ or a miracle! if there is anything i can do just say the word, little lady. :) ♥ Paige

camille said...

Jess, I love you! I wish I had a black baby to give you. I wish I had one myself! I am thinking about you and praying for you.

special k said...

I'm so sorry to hear that, Jess. keep your head up. I know you guys will be awesome parents when the time comes. ♥

kelli g. { bug miscellany } said...

so sorry, jess. it's absolutely insane how spendy fertility treatment is.
i hope you find an answer that works for the two of you. (time to start playing the lottery? :P)

you're a sweet, funny girl. i truly hope it all works out.

Jessica Dahlquist said...

Thanks for sharing this personal struggle. It's a tough thing to go through and I look forward to hearing exciting news in the future.

Kerry_Kid Giddy said...

♥ hugs ♥ and ♥ prayers ♥!

Elaine said...

Thank you for sharing! I know there are people in church who judge others for not having a baby yet or whatever and it makes me sad because they have no idea what that couple is going through and what choices they've made.

You should put a paypal donation button for IVF or whatever you decide. I'd contribute with the little I have.

Good luck :) I'll be praying for you!

Elaine

Liv said...

the paypal button is a great idea! i'd use it, and i'd spread the word too.

everyone deserves to have the baby they dream of. esp great ppl like you and josh.

i think it's so important that you share this jess. so many ppl have these struggles that they're afraid to talk about. but it provides so much support to others. thank you for sharing!

Amanda said...

I'm so sorry Jess, such disappointing news, but I love that you still keep a sense of humor. Keep hope- I always hear of little miracles that come along and I pray it will happen for you :)

Melissa said...

Aw, thank you so very much for sharing this with us! I can only imagine the strength and faith that must have gotten you through the emotional part of trying to conceive. It's so inspiring that you feel comfortable sharing your journey, and that you guys can keep your sense of humor throughout this, as that is such an asset to have! It sounds like you and Josh have an amazing support system in each other! Definitely sending positive thoughts your way!

Elizabeth Marie said...

Ohhh honey...I'm so sorry it's so hard right now but I know you guys will get through this and be amazing parents. You are in my prayers!!!!!

LOL at asking for a black baby. This is why I love you.

Anonymous said...

Any child, black, white, or any color in between will never be an accessory in our house. Spoiled rotten and totally loved for sure! That's what grandparents are for. :) Love you! Mom

wishful nals said...

you are so brave. i can't imagine how hard this must be. just remember -- miracles happen in the space between. :) thinking of you. xo!

Hearthandmade said...

Good luck! xo

Lisa said...

Oh Jess, I'm so sorry and so proud of you for writing about it. It took Dave and I two years to make it this far along in a pregnancy and it took me almost a year and 2 miscarriages to talk about it at all. You'll be in my prayers.

Ashley said...

10-15 thousand dollars sounds like a ton of money, but think about it... you are gonna end up spending way more money on a kid even if you have it the old fashioned way.

Imagine you have said baby. Baby will want to go to college, Baby will want a car when it gets its license, Baby will deserve fun vacations, great christmases and awesome birthdays, not to mention food, clothing, shelter and all that jazz.

10-15 thousand wouldn't even be close to 10% of the total cost of Baby.

Take out a loan, rob a bank, get life insurance on a friend and then kill them. Realistically this amount of money would be trivial compared to the happiness baby would bring you.

Good luck in all your baby-ventures!

The Mulligan Family said...

Hi,
This is my first visit to you blog. Just had to comment on this posting. I love that you said someday you and Josh will have a baby whether that's by in-vitro, adoption, or some other miracle. It understandable that you want to be pregnant and become parents that way. However, let me just "fly the adoption flag" for you. I was adopted, and my son is adopted. In fact, my husbands step-father adopted him, so he's "half adopted". We're what I would call a fairly well adjusted family. So, I wanted to offer to answer any questions for you about adoption - should that time come. I would be happy to help you in any way I can. (Also not an expensive process - but maybe not as expensive as you might think. It depends)

Cheers - wishing you the best of luck in your endeavors!
Cindy

The Mulligan Family said...

Oops.. I meant not an "inexpensive process". (Read your comments before clicking submit, Cindy!)

Cheers, Cindy