Mothers Day isn't actually about me. It's not a day for me to sleep in and be pampered. It's not a day for me to pat myself on the back and say I'm an amazing mom. I'm not amazing. I usually try to be the best I can, but that's all I can ever ask for, no matter what day of the year it is. And to be honest, there are many days where "the best I can be" translates to just making sure everyone is fed and isn't sitting in poop [which can be made harder by the fact that I can't smell ;)]. I've been thinking how today is really about my loves: my husband and my children. Josh is my support, my co-captain, my first mate, my therapist, my life coach, my sugar daddy, my everything. I love him with all my heart, and I'm so grateful that he puts up with all the nonsense that comes along with work so that I can be spoiled with my children. My two miracle children... I never knew that I could love tiny human beings so much. And now that they are in my life, I realize that I take it for granted. I always told myself I would never take having kids for granted, but it just happened. You sort of slip into your role and before you realize it, you become complacent..
I've known too many people who have lost children these past
few years, and it absolutely wrecks my heart. But in every instance, I find myself thinking that those sweet children had lived such amazing and full lives, even in their painfully-short existence. This makes me reflect on the lives
my kids are currently living.. Are they having joyful lives? Am I doing enough? Am
I focusing on the wrong things? As I've reflected on this tonight, I
think I do need to shift my focus...
These past couple weeks I've found myself being harder on Henry. He's so smart and talking so much more that I forget he's just a two year old. That's practically a baby, really. But I have all these expectations of how he should behave, and therefore find it easier to get pushed to my limit. When really I just need to check myself and forget about all the extra stupid stuff that's going on, and just focus on what he needs. Obviously there is a balance that needs to be maintained so that I'm not neglecting myself or anything like that. But I don't think that's what's happening here.. I find myself raising my voice more than I used to, and more than I like. I worry more about squashing all his "bad behavior", and less about nurturing all his good qualities. [I'm sure my recent attempts to be healthier and eat less sugar may be
adding to my shorter fuse, but I don't want to attribute my
short-comings to that]. I need to have more patience and understanding, and try to understand the world through my children's eyes.
This Mother's Day, I have come to a realization that I need to reconnect with my inner child, and stop worrying so much about trying to be a perfect mom. Or having perfect children. The pressure associated with all that is far too much for my liking. My boys are babies--precious babies that at one point I didn't know I'd ever have. I need to stop taking their existence for granted, and make more out of this amazing experience that is being their mom. Play more, play on their level, and nurture their talents and interests. [Yes, babies can have talents/interests... have you ever seen how talented George is at smiling?!? That kid could light up a room! ;)]. I have an inkling that worrying less about being an amazing mother might actually make me a better mother. And I'm definitely open to that. ♥
And as far as Josh goes? I'm already a perfect wife, so that's one less pressure off of me ;P